I’ve been dieting most of my life…. probably off and on since birth. (I have dim memories of turning away a bottle of Similac in the nursery because my diaper was a little snug)  Over the years, I’ve lost a total of 17,648.26 pounds.  By all rights, I should be able to fit in my Hummel cabinet or hang myself on the top of the Christmas tree.  However, I regained all 17,648.26 pounds plus a few friends they brought along for the ride.  (I may have extra pounds, but at least they are friendly pounds!)

I’ve tried lots of diets, and been somewhat successful at most. But then the diet goes south and my hips go with it.  I recognize what the problem is.  It’s not the diets, it’s me!  I get bored.  Shocker, I know.  Bored and discouraged.  And then frustrated.  It’s a vicious cycle.

I need to see results…. I need to feel results….. instant gratification.  For a woman with a legendary amount of tolerance and a strong sense of the ridiculous, my dieting is frustrating business.  It’s not that I don’t want to look good and feel good.  It’s not that I am not willing to put in the sacrifice and the time.  I just think that I should get pound credit for good intentions!

For example, in the supermarket the other day, I virtuously stocked up on cucumbers, endive, carrots, cherry tomatoes, low fat cottage cheese, and yogurt.  Now just buying that should be good for about 8 pounds (per hip).  THEN I walked right past the ice cream aisle which was easy so I only want two pounds credit for that.  However, in the end freezer case there was a Friendly’s Wattamelon Roll – my favorite summertime dessert!!  I stood in front of that thing for a good five minutes opening and closing the freezer door and bargaining with myself….I would just eat one small slice per night (bull****)…I would walk one mile for each piece I ate (deeper bull****)…..I would have one piece and then throw the rest out (maximum bull****)….I was buying it for my girls and there was no need to deprive them just because I was overweight (biggest bull**** of all since they don’t even like it!)

By the third time some young mother pulled her small child away from the strange lady talking to her shopping cart, I had successfully slammed that damn freezer door for the last time….Wattamelon roll still safely on the shelf!!  Victory!!!!

And what did I have to show for all that willpower and virtuousity???  A dinner of cucumber, endive, carrots, tomatoes and cottage cheese!   Where is the justice??   All that willpower should have caused 25 pounds to miraculously disappear off the lower half of my torso!!  But nooooo!   I still had to expend the same effort to heft myself out of the car when I got home with the dinner I would share with my rabbit.

Well, I ate that rabbit food three days in a row.  I had yogurt for lunch.  For breakfast I had my usual meal of three blood pressure pills, low dose aspirin, and allergy medication.  (I may have to start washing that breakfast down with a Mimosa).  I supplemented dinner a couple of nights with grilled chicken a la my eldest daughter who has discovered an amazing knack for the barbecue grill.   I didn’t exercise, but I weeded and mulched all my flower beds, mowed the crabgrass that doubles as my lawn, pruned rose bushes, played with dogs, cleaned litter boxes, did laundry.

Yesterday morning I got on the scale….. down 11.5 pounds!!!!!!   YAY!!!!!  I thought I had been feeling a little thinner – my bra was loose and my rings were turning on my fingers – always the first places I lose weight. My hips stay intact until I’ve gone from a B cup to an A.  (Unfortunately the reverse is not true – I never gain weight on my chest…. it all settles somewhat south of the equator.)

But 11.5 pounds and I hadn’t really dedicated all my efforts to this diet!  It was something I was putting together for myself!   And it was WORKING….so far….. 🙂

I’m sticking with this one….it’s a win win – no personal trainer which I can’t afford anyway.  No expensive diet foods which I won’t actually eat.  No gym membership which has never worked out for me – as soon as I put the pen down from signing the membership agreement, I am sure to pop a tendon on the walk to the car.  All those things work really well for most people.  Don’t get me wrong.   They are just not for me.

I’m calling it Mom’s Efforts to Self Success …. MESS.   My own personal invention.  There are no must haves, no must buys, no must do’s.   I can adapt to wherever I am and whatever I am doing.  This is IT – the one that’s going to do the job.  I can feel it. I’m going to see it through!  ( I did feel a pang as I turned my back on the box of Apple Newtons beckoning to me in the cookie aisle, but maybe I’ll get three pounds credit for that.  A girl can dream….)

Granted, when I am done I’ll need to buy myself a few training bras, and have my rings resized.  But I’ll have the shortest crabgrass, nicest flower beds, and cleanest litter boxes in town!